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Is it ever a good suggestion to remain associates with an ex?
Final month, Life Package requested our viewers this query as a part of a narrative and podcast episode on the subject. In case you share youngsters or pets, it’d make sense, say our relationship consultants. However steer clear when you have been in an abusive relationship or nonetheless have emotions for the opposite particular person.
Dozens of listeners wrote to us with their ideas on the topic. Their tales illustrate the big selection of prospects that may come when a romance ends. Some stated their ex was their finest pal. Some stated they needed to keep cordial for sensible functions. Others stated they realized … they did not need to be associates in any respect!
These responses have been edited for size and readability.
‘We nonetheless stay collectively’
My ex and I will not be solely good associates, however we nonetheless stay collectively below the identical roof and co-parent our 13-year-old son.
Once we bought divorced in 2015, we determined to remain in the identical home collectively. Housing is pricey in California. We would every take an enormous monetary hit if we needed to promote our dwelling and discover our personal locations to stay.
We additionally did not need to cut up time with our son, who was 5 years outdated on the time. With this association, we might co-parent extra successfully and see our son every single day. We labored out a custody settlement that clearly outlined when every of us can be liable for our son and his care. Now, virtually 9 years later, my ex and I are very shut. However no, we’re not getting again collectively.
Sure, courting has been onerous. Who needs up to now a person who nonetheless lives along with his ex? However the execs far outweigh the cons. –Brian Gonzales
‘My ex-wife is my finest pal’
I’ve been divorced from my ex-wife for 22 years. We now have two youngsters, a son and daughter who at the moment are grown and stay shut by.
For a very long time after the divorce, I used to be harm, offended and misplaced. However after wanting again on hurtful issues I stated and did, I higher understood her perspective. I wanted to mature extra.
Very slowly, we started to depend on one another for assist. She developed well being points and went on incapacity. At this time, my ex-wife is my finest pal. We advise one another on many sides of life, from coping with siblings to dwelling restore. We rejoice household occasions along with our youngsters and their important others. We at the moment are very proud grandparents of 1 precocious 2 yr outdated, the enjoyment of our lives.
It feels good to not be wrought with bitterness and anger over a failed marriage. –Todd Scheler
‘I would like little contact with my ex’
My (now) ex-wife and I divorced this January. We have been collectively for 34 years and raised two sons, who at the moment are 33 and 28.
For the sake of our youngsters and to honor our years collectively, we each intend to take care of an amicable relationship. However I’m not certain what the form of that relationship will seem like going ahead.
In the meanwhile, I would like as little contact with my ex as doable. I want the psychological area to find who I’m in 2024 as a not too long ago divorced 67 yr outdated. And I need to enable the sentiments and ideas concerning the dissolution of our household and divorce to settle. –Invoice Cooper
‘I want he have been a tiny bit depressing’
Six months in the past, my husband of 8 years and companion of 21 years divorced me. He stated he nonetheless needed me in his life, however as a pal.
We’re in common contact and meet up a pair occasions per week. However I will be sincere: it has been troublesome seeing him simply choose up and transfer on whereas I’m nonetheless coming to phrases with the whole lot. I would like him to be completely satisfied, however on the identical time I want he have been a tiny bit depressing.
The truth that we’ve a reasonably small circle of associates would not assist. After I see him with a mutual pal, they focus on individuals of their lives, lives which appear to incorporate me much less and fewer. It leaves me feeling like a 3rd wheel. –David Lantrip
P.S. Make certain your readers know I am fairly a catch. And clearly single.
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‘He believed we’d proceed to be finest associates’
When my 15-year relationship was ending, my companion — who was within the midst of creating himself my ex — stated he firmly believed we’d proceed to be finest associates.
Abruptly, I blurted out, “however I’m not associates with individuals of your caliber.”
It’s fascinating to understand that the one who you entered the connection with can turn into somebody you wouldn’t select to know now. This helped me stand within the current second, figuring out one factor with certainty. —Maya Drozdz
‘It created one thing lovely’
My ex and I weren’t proper for one another romantically and had a foul breakup stuffed with distrust, jealousy and bitter moments.
Nonetheless, I needed to turn into associates once more. We each are queer and felt plenty of strain to turn into associates for the sake of our pal group. So I made a decision to forgive my ex for the whole lot that went unsuitable. It backfired so dangerous that we didn’t speak for years after.
It was throughout COVID that we reconnected. We have been residing in the identical metropolis. I had gotten married to a different lady. My ex and my spouse met for the primary time shortly after.
We had lengthy talks about how we may very well be higher associates and have a significant relationship. My spouse, my ex and I dance collectively and have adventures collectively. After I was pregnant, my ex was my help particular person. My ex is now a part of my chosen household.
This didn’t occur in a single day. Time gave us the area to heal from our wounds and have many conversations about how we need to transfer ahead collectively. It created one thing much more unexpectedly lovely. –LaKecia Farmer
Thanks to everybody who took the time to e mail Life Package together with your submission. Join our weekly e-newsletter to participate in reader-generated tales like this one.
This story was edited by Meghan Keane. The visible editor is Beck Harlan. We would love to listen to from you. Depart us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or e mail us at LifeKit@npr.org.
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